This blog is something that I’ve been going back and forth on for awhile now and if I want to share more in detail of my panic attacks, but as I was praying this morning, the Lord placed it strongly on my heart that this is something that I need to talk about.
If you follow me on any form of social media, you saw that I posted yesterday about my experience with panic attacks. I was very vague and didn’t go into much detail, but this is what I posted:
Now, I’ve never been one to struggle with vulnerability. I’m not afraid to be raw. I’m not afraid to be real with my struggles. I say this about most of my blog posts, but I’m about to get more raw than I think I ever have in a blog. This is as raw as raw can get. Being raw helps me heal, and I hope hearing my story can help you heal too.
After knowing that insecurity is what caused them, my panic attacks didn’t make sense to me. I felt as if I had been freed. I felt good. I felt as if they weren’t going to be an issue anymore. Then out of nowhere, they come back harsher than they ever have before. Harsher than I ever deemed possible.
My university put on an event this past weekend called Campus Preview Weekend where potential students can come tour the campus. It’s a three day weekend and we have tons of events and activities the entire weekend, and there were about 80 people here previewing the campus, my boyfriend being one of them… along with about 70 gorgeous girls. Almost immediately, my mind went to “he probably thinks these girls are prettier than me.” “He’s probably comparing their physical features to mine, or wishing I had something they do.” “He’d look cute with that girl.” “There’s no way he can still be attracted to me with all of these pretty girls surrounding him.” and so, so much more. So much more that it eventually led to a panic attack. And then another one. And then another one. I genuinely thought I was going to lose him for one of these girls.
I ended up in the ER due because I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, my heart was beating out of my chest, and I couldn’t calm down. The second I left campus, I immediately began to feel better, then the second I got back to campus, I had another panic attack. That’s when I knew it was spiritual, because they were only happening when I was on campus. I truly didn’t think they’d ever end. There was a point where it was so agonizing and that I thought I was having a seizure; my extremities were numb and I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt an inch away from hell. It was the most tormented I’ve truly ever felt.
After calming down and being in the right mindset, I got to the root cause of it and realized that my panic attacks were due to my insecurities, and I immediately laid them at Jesus’ feet. Since then, I haven’t had another panic attack and I am declaring over myself that I will never have one again. My body is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit; there is no room for anxiety where the Spirit dwells.
Since then, I’ve felt the insecurities try to come back into my life and there have been a couple times I’ve welcomed them, but I’m quicker than I ever have been to rebuke them and speak truth over them.
“Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth…” / Ephesians 6:14a
I recently wrote a blog on silencing insecurity (you can read it here). Something that I talked about was how insecurities have no capability whatsoever to speak truth. Insecurity is a demonic spirit, and anything that is of the enemy is a bringer of lies. It is utterly outside of his nature to speak truth, which is why it is absolutely crucial to break agreement with him. We must be in partnership with what God says about us because it is truth. It is always the complete opposite of what the enemy says about us. In my last blog, I also mentioned that insecurity robs us of the joy that rightly belongs to us. We must take it back. We have ownership of joy. It is ours. It belongs to us.
The song I’ve had on repeat since having my panic attacks is called Peace, originally written by Hillsong. The lyrics say:
Peace when my thoughts wage war
Peace to the anxious heart
That’s who You are, that’s who You are
You are peace when my fear takes hold
Peace when I feel enclosed
Peace when I loose control
That’s who You are, that’s who You are
Let it flow when my mind’s under siege
All anxiety bows in the presence of Jesus the Keeper of Peace
And peace is a promise He keeps
and I might be biased, but these are some of the best and most empowering lyrics that have ever been written.
All demonic influence bows in the presence of Jesus.
“Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.” / Luke 10:19