3 years ago to this day, December 2nd, I lost the last person I ever thought I’d lose. I had no idea on December 1st that I’d wake up the next day without you existing in this world anymore. You were my big brother. My shield. My protector. My watchman. Though I’m saddened we didn’t get along hardly ever (if ever at all), I always looked forward to our adult years where we would hopefully become inseparable siblings who raised our kids to be a close, loving family with big Christmases and Thanksgivings spent together.

I remember bringing this problem of us not getting along even for a moment to one of our uncles many years ago and he simply said “don’t worry, you will as you both grow older,” unknowing that this wouldn’t be a possibility.

Holidays have always had and will always have a missing piece to them that only you could fill. Thanksgiving three years ago was the last time I saw you and this coming Christmas will be the fourth without you, and although it’s gotten a heck of a lot easier, it’d be more “merry” with you there.

I’ve come so far and I rest knowing that you’d be proud of me. I went on a missions trip and now I’m just a month from leaving to attend school to become an overseas missionary. I defeated depression. I won the battle against self harm. I learned to love myself. But most importantly, since you died, and ultimately because of your death, I accepted Jesus into my heart and let Him turn it from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).

Although I’m sad you’re not with us anymore, I’m jealous as heck that you’re kicking it with Jesus. That must be so phenomenal. I always wonder if He (or His angels) ever come up to you excitedly and say “Seth, look what Nadia did!” I always wonder if you can check up on me. If you can, I know you’re proud. If you can’t, I can’t wait to tell you all about my journey.

I can’t wait to tell my kids about their Uncle Seth and the incredible goals you had for your future.

I can’t wait to tell you all about my family and my (future) husband.

I can’t wait to see what you’ve been up to in Heaven with grandma and all of our loved ones who have passed.

I can’t wait to hug you again. To be in your presence again (hopefully it’s a lot more pleasant in Heaven, haha).

Man, all I desire is for others to see Jesus through me. For them to see the strength He has given me to triumph the battles and the strength He has given me to get through the loss of you, stronger than ever before. To use you as a means of hope in my story.

God works in mysterious ways but that’s only because if we knew the mystery, we would never reach the full extent of it. I’m grateful that He always knows what He’s doing – even if it doesn’t make the least bit of sense to us at the moment. In the end, after we choose to replace our cataracts with Kingdom eyes, it will always make sense. It’ll always be worth it.

Although what happened to you was tragic, I have so much joy in my heart because through your death, I was saved. Now I have the life-changing privilege to go to the corners of the earth that have yet to hear the glorious name Jesus and be the one to tell them.

“I want to get closer with my sister” were the last words you spoke about me to your friend and although it couldn’t have happened on earth, I can’t wait for this to come true in Heaven someday.

I still get a knot in my stomach whenever I think of you, but soon after comes joy knowing that with what will seem like the blink of an eye, I’ll be with you again. I can’t wait for that day.

Three years later, I still think of you, miss you and wish you were here.

But… three years later, I found happiness. I found recovery. I found Jesus, my calling and I have everlasting joy in my heart, all thanks to you.

See you soon, big brother.

Love,

your little sis.

If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. / Romans 14:8