This is a question we all ask dozens of times throughout our lives.

I just saw pictures of what’s happening in Aleppo and found myself questioning how such a loving God can allow such destruction. It’s heart wrenching. I don’t understand. But the thing about God is, He doesn’t require us to understand. He requires us to trust in His perfect plan, even when it doesn’t seem so perfect.

I don’t have the answer to this question, but I can tell you this:

I’ve suffered a great amount throughout my nineteen years. More than anyone on this earth will ever know. My parents got divorced when I was three, I was abused, I was bullied to the extreme, my house burned down, I started self harming when I was fourteen, I developed severe chronic depression and anxiety soon afterwards and tried to commit suicide twice. There wasn’t a day that went by that I begged God to take my life away. There were multiple times I was so close to begging my parents to take me to a mental institution so I could get help. My brother died when I was seventeen, leaving me as an only child. I’m chronically ill. The list goes on.

And you want to know what the hardest part of all that is? That’s not even the half of it.

There were days I hated God. I hated Him because I genuinely thought that I didn’t deserve the torment I was enduring every day of my life.

But you know what I realized?

Jesus didn’t deserve the torment He faced when he hung on a cross. With His bones being bleached by the sun and blood pouring out until He didn’t have an ounce left, He didn’t deserve the amount of torment He suffered. I can’t imagine the pain that God felt when He saw the tree that His son would soon hang from turn into a cross.

But do you know why He did that? I’m sure you do. You’ve heard it a thousand times. – Because He saw me and knew amidst my battles, my sin, my temptations, that I was worth dying for. That through this love that He poured out on the cross, He saw that I, specifically, would use it to bring people into His goodness and ultimately into His kingdom.

The turning point of my entire life was when my brother died. That was the very moment when I grasped so tight onto His love that it consumed me from the inside out. It was like a snap of a finger. Depression? Gone. Anxiety? Gone. Self harm? Recovered. You may think this sounds old and completely opposite of what you’d expect, but God has such a mysterious way of turning ashes into beauty.

And now I understand why He allowed suffering in my life.

Because with my suffering, He has called me to lessen the suffering of others through His glory and by His Word. To share my story and to provide hope so others may not have to endure what I did. To be hope for the hopeless. To provide love to the lost.

I have no idea why He chose me to reflect His Kingdom. I have no idea why He has called me to spread His love. I have no idea why He chose me. I am so unworthy. So so unworthy of His infinite goodness and the specific calling He has placed upon my life.

I am such a firm believer that in every ounce of darkness, the light always overcomes. It may just be by a fraction, but it always overcomes!! In every bad thing, there is good. Sometimes we don’t see it and we may never see it while our feet are planted on this earth, but I genuinely do not believe God would not allow destruction to the world if it didn’t build His kingdom. Sometimes all it takes is to first recognize the thing that is blinding us from seeing through His eyes and then remove it completely.

I mean, if everything in our lives were perfect, why would we need a God to carry us through our battles? Think about it. If my life was perfect, there’s absolutely no way I would need nor want a God. 

But I’m broken. I’m weak. 

In those times of brokenness and weakness, that is when I call upon the name of God so desperately for Him to embrace me in His loving arms. Those are the times where He so desperately wants to draw me closer to His Kingdom. 

God allowing bad things to enter into your life is His desperation to know you more!!! It’s His desperation for you to turn to Him rather than the things of this world. God is not a hateful God. He is not a God of wrath. God does not allow bad things to happen to you to punish you. He allows them to happen for your own betterment and closeness with His Kingdom and His son, Jesus Christ.

Rest in this, my friends. He is love. Literally. That’s exactly who He is and that is all He knows. Love. If you were able to fully comprehend how loved you are by your Creator, you would never seek love from anyone or anything else. You are so, so loved.

I challenge you to read 1 John 4 tonight and rest in His love.

“And we have come to know and believe the love that God has for us. God is love; whoever abides in love abides in God, and God in him.” // 1 John 4:16