Dear My Almost

Dear my almost,

I will forever be thankful for the time we spent together. From the endless laughter and silly jokes, dinner dates, sparks flying whenever our skin touched, talking about nothing but life for hours on end, seeing our first shooting star together, these moments, no matter how big or how small, meant the entire world to me. I was so thankful to have someone so special in my life to spend each day with, whether you could be right by my side or whether you were miles away. You treated me in such a way I didn’t imagine was possible, no matter the circumstance.

You had my heart.

I couldn’t believe the endless potential you had. I was so filled with joy that you could become such a great man of God that could someday lead me and a future home under the Kingdom of God,

until I realized you were failing to live up to it.

I denied the truth that you were not living up to your potential for so long because I was so blinded by the idea of you, that I couldn’t see what was actually you. The moment He revealed the truth to me in a devastating way, I was broken. This can’t be true, he was the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I couldn’t find it in me to let go, so I didn’t. It was almost like God was screaming at me to run from you the entire time I was falling for you but I chose not to hear it because the idea of you was so perfect, it was an absolute fairytale.

But it wasn’t time, and God sure did make that evident.

From endless nights of crying, devastated, seeking the wisdom of the people surrounding me, “what should I do?”, it was like my world was crashing down on me, lost and confused but in those moments, I failed to realize what God was up to the entire time. His ultimate plan was so much greater than anything I could see in the moment.

You see, through the heartbreak I faced through letting go of something I wanted to cling to forever, a healing took place. It took a long time, longer than I’d hoped, but the moment I could finally let go was the most freeing moment of my life. Sure, I still thought about you every day. I still wished I’d see your name pop up on my phone once in awhile. I still wanted to have you as a major part of my life. But the difference is, I no longer broke the moment I saw your face. I found freedom in facing you with a bold determination that I was no longer chained by you.

You taught me not to fall in love with potential. Without you, I never would be able to recognize what I deserve and what I sure as heck don’t deserve. You taught me that worthiness comes from Christ alone and not from the attention of a boy. Looking back, I see nothing but the hand of God on the entire relationship; not because it was of His approval and we were in His will, but because His hand was trying to pull me away from you the entire time. I think back nearly every day, if only I had been obedient and listened. But I didn’t. Through this trying time, He has taught me that when you are out of the perfect will of God, your life will be a mess. And I mean a mess. Trying to force my desires above His will forever be a regret of mine.

I wasn’t open to receive what He had for my life because I was so blinded to think that my purpose was found in you. I can now say with confidence that I am walking in His perfect will for my life with an abundant purpose He has placed specially over my life that no one else has. I am willing and open to receive love, even if it is not from you and I will receive the love knowing it’s more than just potential, it’s the real thing.

Thank you, my almost, for preparing me for the man I truly am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you for teaching me what to look for in a man and what to avoid. Thank you for showing me that being in God’s will is the best choice that one could ever make for their life and being out of it is the worst. Thank you for allowing me to flourish so abundantly in my relationship with Christ. My prayer to this day is that you are now living up to the endless potential you have to be the man of God He has created you to be and someday lead a woman spiritually with pure love of Christ being the only thing leading you. I pray that you are continuing to further His kingdom each and every day. I am so grateful for your entering into my life but I am even more grateful for your exiting and the endless lessons you taught me while leaving.

Thank you, my almost, for showing me that there is more to life than you.

He was never meant to be my great love. Or even a love at all. He was just meant to get me ready for it.” – Mandy Hale

 

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